i mentioned before that i cannot take estradiol due to the danger it poses to my health; my body has a tendency to grow estrogen-sensitive nerve tumors that swell up in its presence. until i had learned and accepted this truth, i was taking oral E for maybe 6 years in total. now that i understand the risks from firsthand experience i would like to share what i'm currently doing and my plans for the future.

rough timeline

you might be wondering how i got to this point. i used reddit a lot from my early teens for about a decade and i found r/transitiontimelines and other trans subreddits around age 15. i saw things i didn't know were possible and decided to explore my gender so i came out to my parents, who were confused to say the least but did want to help. they let me start going to group therapy sessions at a place i found in the city that does gender-related mental healthcare.

some time later i made a decision and went to the family doctor to start on a low dose of estradiol, which caused chubby lil reese to start growing boobs. i felt extremely awkward at school so i would wear chest binders to hide them and i never wore both straps of my backpack (which permanently squished all the stuffing in that one and kinda messed up my spine). there were gaps in my HRT regimen throughout this time due to ambivalence and just, like, forgetting to take or refill it. but once i got to college i felt more comfortable expressing my femininity so i asked to raise my dosage and took it as prescribed. then, after learning about the risks to my health, i slowly tapered off. i kept a bottle still stashed away but i believed it when i stopped having so many headaches.

what have i been doing since?

there were quite a few stages of grief in there so i took some time to mourn, and i am currently in the midst of acceptance. because of my biologically-imposed estrogen limitation i'm pursuing pretty much as many other avenues of a transfeminine transition that i desire to make up for it.

bodily

• doing squats and other light exercises to stay in shape, which has the effect of giving me a more feminine figure. 🍑
• taking the maximum dose of spiro until i have an orchiectomy later this month. after that i will have to take a minimum level of testosterone in order to prevent hypogonadism, but i have been considering this for a long time and have come to peace with this route.
• considering several kinds of facial treatments including electrolysis, brow threading, hair transplants and FFS.

hygiene

• taking care of the skin on my face with a nightly wash routine.
• flossing and brushing my teeth regularly, which is good advice for anyone.
• growing out and taking better care of my hair with the help of finasteride, leave-in conditioner, and sleeping with a bonnet on. who knew it could be so curly??

outward appearance

• replacing my wardrobe with more expressive feminine clothes and donating the stuff i don't wear that much.
• buying and wearing wirefree bras that fit and feel comfy. i don't want a breast augmentation as many of the transfems i know of seem to be doing lately; they're already big enough for me. ☺️
• obtaining more jewelry and wearing it more often.
• taking care of my nails. sometimes.
• using small amounts of makeup when i feel like it like tinted balm and lipgloss, concealer.
• training my voice to speak in a higher register. i've enlisted a professional's help since i'm deaf oral and can't actually hear myself speak. i can however put my hand on my larynx, read spectrograms, and know who can give me honest feedback on the subjective aspects.

what i'm learning

having daily routines is really good for both my mental and physical health. my mom did a good job of teaching my siblings and i about hygiene during puberty, which of course applies well into (young) adulthood too. some things i've only recently started to do like wrapping my hair in a towel after showering so it dries slower and gives the products more time to disperse.

i am also noticing moments when people who have been close to me all my life truly see me in ways i had been hiding before. it makes me happy i chose this path.

oppression just makes me want to transition even harder

a large part of by current desire to appear more feminine is that western governments are becoming more and more oppressive to us trans folks. sitting on the fence is getting uncomfortable and i would rather be read as "woman" if it ever came down to it. i cannot and will not detransition or die like they so desperately want us to.

i want to be brave and live by the principles that i hold, so i am trying harder to be unapologetically trans, stand up for what's right, and keep on living. because for me there's no other option. will you do the same?

p.s.

turns out youtuber lily simpson recently talked about this sort of process, calling it "retransition". i had already written most of this post by the time i saw it so it was a bit serendipitous. you should check it out if you're curious!